It is hard to believe that we have had Tristan at home for a little over a week. It's even harder to believe that he's over 4 weeks old! His due date is Wednesday! It's hard to believe he's here already! And it's hard to believe that it's been almost a month since I blogged!
It has been wonderful having Tristan at home. I don't sleep much, but that isn't his fault. I know they say new mommies don't get any sleep, but it's particularly hard when you have to wake up to feed the baby, then spend about an extra 45 minutes to an hour to pump also. Thank goodness for the weekends, because Rocky is a HUGE help! He usually gets up with him in the mornings and lets me sleep in some.
The other reason that I haven't been sleeping much is because when we left the hospital, they sent us home with Similac Neosure to add to my breast milk for extra calories. With Tristan being a preemie, he burns so many calories eating, being awake, just living... that he needs extra. When he was in the NICU, they had him on what they called Human Milk Fortifier, so the Similac was new. And it did not agree with his tummy. He has been having terrible gas pains and uncomfortableness all week. Rocky and I finally decided to take him off of it on Wednesday. It can take up to a week for it to get out of his system. At his weight check today, he's up to 5 pounds 13 ounces, but he isn't gaining as much as they would like as quickly as they would like, so they gave us Gerber Good Start Gentle Ease to try. It should be better for his belly.
I hate that he isn't gaining weight like he should though. It makes me feel like I'm doing something wrong. But motherhood has been like that so far! I've been around kids pretty much all of my life, and thought I knew enough to raise one! Now I question and second guess everything that I do, because I want to do the best for Tristan. People say to follow your instincts, but sometimes I feel like they're still developing! I know that Tristan is properly cared for, fed, clothed, in a good home and loved more than words can say... but as a mom, I still feel like I need to do more for him. I guess that feeling will never go away either!
I had a doctor's appointment on Wednesday. We should know when my labs come back if my liver is back to normal yet or not. My blood pressure is finally under control and I can come off of that medicine! Praise the lord! I was discussing my breast milk supply with Tanya and she said something that really clicked with me. She said, "Don't watch a clock, watch your baby." She told me to feed Tristan, and then pump, that way my body gets on his schedule. Not to worry about pumping every 3 hours, or for 30 minutes each time. She said to pump until my boobs feel soft, and just follow his cues. Her saying this has taken so much pressure off of me. I've actually started applying it to a lot of stuff related to being a new mom.
I have the Ibabylog app on my phone, and it has been very resourceful. Especially when we roomed in before we brought Tristan home from the NICU. They wanted to know every time he ate, for how long, how much he took; every time he had a diaper change, if it was wet, dirty or both; etc. This was a super easy way to track everything. But I became obsessed with it. I've decided to use it as a guide, but not to freak out if I miss tracking a diaper change, or a feed. As long as I KNOW that my child is dry, not hungry and that I've pumped, I'm not stressing about what the app says. I'll still use it, but just as a guide and mainly to track my pumping and what time he eats.
Speaking of pumping... I'm now concerned about hyper-lactation. I have a friend that had her baby in December and he spent 2 weeks in the NICU. She pumped every 3 hours, for 30 minutes each time, like the lactation consultants in the hospital told her to. And she now has too much supply and her son doesn't get to the hind milk, so she's forced to exclusively pump. I started looking at my numbers, and I was pumping 30-35 ounces a day, when Tristan eats about 12. I'm trying to get it more regulated to his actual needs, so that I don't have this problem too. It's still a work in progress.
I still stress about going back to work. Not only is it regular new mommy things, but work has been.... less than nice about things. Okay, they've been jerks. The guy I work for is a habitual liar, outside of all pregnancy stuff. He told everyone in the office that he was getting me flowers and coming to visit me in the hospital. I never got any flowers nor did he visit. I sent everyone in the office a message after I had Tristan. He wrote back about 2 or 3 days later. Our office manager has yet to say anything. I stopped by the office today after Tristan's doctor appointment and realized that they have taken my name off of our board that we use to check in and out of the office. And on top of everything else, one week after I had Tristan, I got a call from a woman in Human Resources at Home Office, questioning me, because someone informed them that I had been working else where while I have been out on leave. I was so flustered, that we were halfway through the conversation before I said, "The only WORK I'm doing is trying to recover from an emergency c-section and trying to get my son healthy so he can come home from the NICU! So no, I'm not working anywhere! I've had a very rough pregnancy and a traumatic birth experience!" She was shocked that I had the baby already! No one had informed them of that. I believe it was the guy that I work for, looking for a way to get rid of me, so he can hire another assistant instead of waiting for me to come back. Rocky's work has been about just as compassionate as mine has been. He didn't even get to come to the hospital to bring Tristan home. I had to do that by myself. It makes me very upset that our society in general doesn't support parents having more time with new babies, and especially that they don't understand the extra needs and challenges of preemies and NICU babies.
But we are dealing with things as they come. I'm trying not to stress about work, and am just going to deal with that when I have to, and right now, all I have to do is take care of and love on my sweet boy! We are sooo thankful to have him at home with us now! Thank you to everyone that has prayed for us along this journey! Please continue to remember us in your prayers as we help Tristan grow and stay healthy. He's still got a lot of doctor's appointments and a small surgery in his future, but for now, all is well!
