We Are Thankful

I wrote this several months ago, when it actually happened. I just never posted it. We are so blessed by this gift sent to us from God, and here's a recap of one of the days in our lives (and a few days leading up to it) that we are most thankful for. 

TTC-

We started TTC on June 20.  I had my IUD removed on June 12, and hopefully this is the magic time.  I’ve used opks but haven’t gotten a positive one yet.  We’re still doing our part and putting in the work.  My friend sent me a TTC website with all kinds of common TTC abbreviations.  I laughed when I read that SO stands for Sex Olympics.  When we started TTC, I texted Rocky, “You have now entered the Sex Olympics!”  We now call it “The Olympics” haha!  Anything before the week of (what we thought would be ovulation) is “spring training”,  the week of ovulation is “qualifying” and ovulation time is “the event!”  We’re cheesy, I know.  You may as well grab some crackers for all that cheese!

Fingers crossed!

We finally got a positive opk on June 30 (day 19), which was later than I had expected.  We had even talked about not trying any more for the month, since I was sure we had either missed the O-day or had gotten it right and we just unaware.  So, more Olympics for a few more days!

 

Two Week Wait-

They should really call it “Cruel and Unusual Punishment” or “Torture.”  Yeah, those titles would be more fitting.  I HATE waiting.  I’m NOT patient when it comes to stuff like that.  I mean, I’ve been known to give gifts early, just because I can’t stand the suspense!  It’s killing me!  But I’m trying not to stress… yeah right!  But I’m TRYING not to!  Work has been crazy hectic and stressful too.  I want to scream at all of them, “You can’t stress me out right now!!!”  

 

June 3, 2013

Dear Baby,

I don’t even know if you exist yet.  I hope that you do.  And I love you already.  I can’t express the love, joy, excitement, nervousness- well, all of the emotions that I have- right now.  I’m very hopeful that soon we will find out the news that you will be joining our family.  Your daddy and I want you so badly and love you sooo sooo much!  

Love, 
Mama

 

Wow… it felt really weird typing “Mama” there.  Fingers crossed!  

 

June 4- Rocky went to help some friends cut wood.  I’ve already planned on how I’m going to tell him we’re pregnant, when we get a positive test.  Whether it’s this month, or in a year.  I’ve asked if he wants to know when I test, and he said he doesn’t care.  So I’m going to spare him all of the negatives (I mean, do I really want him to know how test crazy I am!?)  He loves music.  So, I’ve thought of a bunch of different songs that talk about pregnancy or babies and I’m going to make a compilation of them to play for him.  I put together, “Two Pink Lines” by Eric Church, “Laughed Until We Cried” by Jason Aldean, “I Thought I Loved You Then” by Brad Paisley and “Pretty Little Girl” by Kip Moore.  I only used about 30 seconds or so from each song.  Now… to wait some more!

 

What Does That Mean?-

I’m over-analyzing everything about my body.  Was that a cramp?  What was that?  Are my boobs sore?  They may be a little sore…. Maybe?!  It’s not like noticeable sore… but maybe.  Or at least, I’m hopeful.  

June 5- cloudy urine and I drink mostly water.  What does that mean?  Is my cervix low?  Geez…  Everything I read says, “some people cramp, some people don’t; some people spot, some people don’t; some people have a low cervix, some people have a high cervix; blah freaking blah!!   I want to KNOW!!!  

June 6- Still cloudy urine.  Is that a sign?  To hell with this waiting, I’m testing!  Big Fat Negative (BFN).  But it’s early… Way early.  Like I probably just wasted money on a test early. Oh well.  We’re going camping… at least that will keep my mind occupied until tomorrow evening.  Is that lower back pain?  Maybe… Ugh… all of these “signs” are possible AF (aunt flow) signs too.  This sucks!  For those people that say, “I just KNEW I was pregnant… I don’t know how to explain it, I just had a feeling.”  Screw you!  I think you’re lying.  I don’t JUST KNOW anything!  Except that I hate waiting!  

June 7- Eff sleeping in the back of a suburban with only a sleeping bag under you.  We should have brought the foam!!!  My back is KILLING me!!!  I still don’t feel any different… I’m tired because I didn’t sleep worth ANYTHING last night!  

June 8- Last night I dreamed that I got a BFP (big fat positive) on a pregnancy test!!!  Aghhh… I can’t wait to test this morning!!!!  BFN.  But it’s still early…. Still, really too early.  But I dreamed it!!!  Ugh!  See… I told you it should be called torture.  I wonder if it’s a baby in there.  My back is KILLING me!  I can’t believe I let Rocky talk me into not taking that foam to sleep on.  

June 9- Eff sleeping now, too.  Another dream.  This one was that AF was coming.  Boo.  I had planned to wait until tomorrow to test again.  I wake up.  Lay in bed for about 5-7 minutes debating on whether or not to test.  I have 2 test left right now.  I can use one today, and one tomorrow.  I can go to Walmart tomorrow evening after work.  I can’t go today, because I have to teach Zumba.  I will use my last prenatal vitamin today too.  So, I’ll need to go to Walmart anyway.  It will work out… one test today, one test tomorrow, go to Walmart to buy more tests, because it’s still too early!!!  Why am I even testing?  Because I’m neurotic.  And it will bug me all day if I don’t.  I will wonder at 8:00 tonight, “what if I am… why didn’t I test??!?”

Here goes nothing.  I’m not going to obsess over this.  It takes 3 minutes for the test to “read.”  I do it.  Start my bath water, pull my hair up, get my towel ready, check my phone.  3 minutes.  THE L-O-N-G-E-S-T three minutes ever!  It’s finally been three minutes… I look at the test.  Now, this was the cheap 88 cent Walmart test.  Everyone says they work exactly the same, don’t waste your money on the expensive ones.  Is that a line?  That faint little shadow looking part right there?  Maybe!!!  Maybe???  I’m not sure!  I held it in this light.  I turned an extra light on.  It COULD be a line.  Why, oh why did I use the cheap test??!  I have a first response test in the closet!!!  And I’ve already thrown out my first morning pee!  

I ran to the kitchen and grabbed a glass of juice.  Surely I could muster up just enough pee to use the other test.  But it wasn’t “first morning” pee.  I drank my juice and I got out and had the tiniest amount of pee and stuck that sucker down in it for 5 seconds.  I put the top back on.  And had to wait again.  And I thought the first 3 minute wait of the day was agony.  This was absolutely insane torture.  I didn’t want Rocky to walk in the bathroom and see the tests without me looking at the new one first.  I needed to hide them!  If he came in there, he would need to go in the closet to get stuff to get ready.  Where was I going to put them?!  Under the cabinet!  We just keep cleaning stuff down there… he wouldn’t look there for anything.  So, I jumped in the tub and took THE QUICKEST bath I’ve ever taken.  I didn’t want to sit there WATCHING the test for 3 minutes.  I questioned if I should run put clothes on first, or if I should just look at the test.  Once I looked, I knew if it was positive, I wouldn’t be able to compose myself to go get clothes and THEN tell Rocky.  

I looked.  

Shut the front door!!!  There is a second pink line!  Not a hint of a line!  It’s light, but there’s a FREAKING LINE!!! 

 Enter Rocky.  He walked in to the bathroom unexpectedly!  I was in shock… I had tears in my eyes and I needed a second to process it.  And I didn’t have his song ready!!!  So, I leaned forward, trying to obscure his view of the test laying on the counter, and said, “Can you give me a minute?!”  He said, “Uh, yeah.” And walked off.  I’m freaking out!  Holy wow.  I don’t believe it!  This is the first month TTC!  It can’t be.  Really??!?  There’s a second line!!!!  

My hands were shaking so bad, I could hardly get my damn phone to come on, more less open the music and find the song.  I finally got it.  I opened the door and said, “You can come in now.”  And I waited.  Where is he??!?  What the heck is he doing?!  “Did you hear me?  You can come in now!”  He yelled back, “Yeah, I heard you.  Okay.”  Still no Rocky.  “What are you doing??!?”  Then he walks naked across the living room, “Looking for boxers!”  “Well come here, I’ve got something I want you to hear.  No wait, go and get your boxers first… then come here and listen to this!”  So, about 45 seconds later, which felt like 45 minutes, he came in.  I pushed play.  Eric Church sang, “Sitting around waiting on two pink lines.”  It didn’t even make it to the second song of the compilation that I made.  He smiled… looked at me kinda funny… and said, “What?  No way!!!  No wayyyy!!!!  This soon??!”  I couldn’t even respond!!!  I nodded my head, tears streaming down my face.  He grabbed me and hugged me.  I cried harder.  He beamed from ear to ear.  He said, “Well congratulations babe!”  Then he asked, “Are you sure?!”  I said, “Yeah, and I can show you.”  I reached for the test but couldn’t even hold it still enough for him to see.  I had to hand it to him for him to look at.  He said, “Wow!”

He had to be at work 30 minutes earlier than normal that morning.  He was leaving and he had already taken a few things out to his truck.  He came back in and couldn’t find his keys… then he said, “They’re in the truck already!  Look at what you’ve done to me!!!”  I said, “You?!  Imagine how I feel!  I don’t even know how I’m going to function today!”  I finally stopped shaking and got myself together for work.

I got to work and put off calling the doctor.  What would they say?  What if for some reason it wasn’t really a positive?  I wanted to enjoy my high just a little longer.  Finally, my lunch break was almost over, and I called.  The receptionist said, “Okay, do you want to come today or tomorrow?”  Today or tomorrow?  What?  Already?  She told me they would just do a blood test for confirmation.  3:30 was the latest I could go any day, and they had a 3:30 time available that day.  So I scheduled my appointment.  

I ended up telling one girl I work with, because she knew we were TT C and she went to the same doctor when she had her son a year ago.  I didn’t know what to expect, and I had a few questions.  I had to ask someone!  She said it will be the longest wait of your life.  Seriously… this waiting thing again?  You’re kidding me, right?  But she said, “If it’s positive, they’ll bring you a bag full of goodies with vitamins and all kinds of stuff in it!”  She told me about when she went, and to relax, that I would be fine… but I better text her when I know something!  

3:15 finally came and it was time to leave work.  I was excited and filled with dread all at the same time.  It wouldn’t say no… would it?  No… it couldn’t… Right?!  Right… urine tests show later than blood tests, and if my test this morning was positive, this one has to be too…. Right?

I got to the doctor’s office and within 5 minutes they called me back.  The woman was very nice, and very gentle.  I’m not a blood giver.  And it usually involves a near-fainting experience on my behalf.  I did very well!  Didn’t even get light headed.  Then she sent me to the lab waiting room… to WAIT… again!  This waiting is for the birds!  

Another couple came in and the girl went back into the lab.  The man sat there in the waiting room with me.  After what seemed like an eternity, my lab girl came out with a bag in her hand.  SHE HAD A BAG IN HER HAND!!!  I couldn’t help but to smile!  She called me into the hall way and said, “It’s confirmed.  You’re pregnant!!!”  I can’t put into words the excitement and emotion that I felt right then!  I was so excited!  She asked if I needed any vitamins and told me the girl at the check out would schedule my next appointment and tell me my due date.  MY DUE DATE!!!  Wow.  I have a due date.  I’m pregnant!

The girl at the counter informed me that my due date is March 19, 2014 and scheduled my next two appointments.  And then I left.  Seriously?  That’s it?  I’m bringing a child into this world and it’s okay to… just leave?  I’m responsible for another life now!  It’s not just me anymore.  Ever again.  And I just left.  I called Rocky as soon as I got to my car. I said, “How does March 19 sound to have a baby?”  He was still in shock!  

 

July 9, 2013

Dear Baby,
It’s official!  You exist!  I’m so excited I can’t stand it!  You’re all I think about.  I’ve wondered if you’ll be a boy or a girl, what you will look like- what color eyes and hair you will have- what you will act like.  When will I feel you move?  I’ve wondered what your name will be.  Will it be something we’ve already mentioned and like, or will we come up with something completely new?  What will you be when you grow up?  No matter what you decide, I know I will be proud of you.  I will always be your biggest supporter and your number one fan.  I already love you to pieces!  

Love, 
Mama

 

Welcome To Holland

Before I share what I found on one of my websites the other day, I feel the need to say this.  I've written about having bad days and the struggle with the news of Tristan's possible diagnosis.  If that's how things work out, it's not how we planned, but I'm okay with that.  My struggles have been this: I just want him to be okay.  Healthy.  To not have additional complications.  To have as easy of a time as possible.  Also, this was so unexpected and unplanned, and I was soooo unprepared for the news.  It caught me off guard, and I don't know how to react.  I'm a planner by nature.  No need to tell me that we shouldn't plan, because even though I KNOW that, it's still my nature. 

This writing has helped me through the past days and it brings me comfort each time I read it. 

WELCOME TO HOLLAND

by
Emily Perl Kingsley.

c1987 by Emily Perl Kingsley. All rights reserved


I am often asked to describe the experience of raising a child with a disability - to try to help people who have not shared that unique experience to understand it, to imagine how it would feel. It's like this......

When you're going to have a baby, it's like planning a fabulous vacation trip - to Italy. You buy a bunch of guide books and make your wonderful plans. The Coliseum. The Michelangelo David. The gondolas in Venice. You may learn some handy phrases in Italian. It's all very exciting.

After months of eager anticipation, the day finally arrives. You pack your bags and off you go. Several hours later, the plane lands. The stewardess comes in and says, "Welcome to Holland."

"Holland?!?" you say. "What do you mean Holland?? I signed up for Italy! I'm supposed to be in Italy. All my life I've dreamed of going to Italy."

But there's been a change in the flight plan. They've landed in Holland and there you must stay.

The important thing is that they haven't taken you to a horrible, disgusting, filthy place, full of pestilence, famine and disease. It's just a different place.

So you must go out and buy new guide books. And you must learn a whole new language. And you will meet a whole new group of people you would never have met.

It's just a different place. It's slower-paced than Italy, less flashy than Italy. But after you've been there for a while and you catch your breath, you look around.... and you begin to notice that Holland has windmills....and Holland has tulips. Holland even has Rembrandts.

But everyone you know is busy coming and going from Italy... and they're all bragging about what a wonderful time they had there. And for the rest of your life, you will say "Yes, that's where I was supposed to go. That's what I had planned."

And the pain of that will never, ever, ever, ever go away... because the loss of that dream is a very, very significant loss.

But... if you spend your life mourning the fact that you didn't get to Italy, you may never be free to enjoy the very special, the very lovely things ... about Holland.

One Day At A Time

Yesterday was a very hard day for me.  I'm not sure why.  I was very stressed and anxious, practically all day long.  I had a breast feeding class last night that I was dreading at first.  I just didn't want to be there.  I wanted to go home, put on comfy clothes and curl up on the couch with my hubby.  However, the class took my mind of things and I was FINALLY able to relax some.  My doctor told me stop researching for this week, to enjoy time with family and we'll talk between the holidays.  I can't do that though.  I feel like I need to learn everything that I can.  And research or not, it consumes my mind every minute of every day. 

Today, I start my second job and I am soooo thankful!  I am grateful that I will have distractions and keep myself busy.  I have so much at home to do to get ready for the baby, but when I'm at home with free time, I just sit there.  I think that now since my free time will be limited, it will give me the push that I need to get stuff done. 

Today is already better than yesterday.  I listened to KLOVE on the radio on my way to work.  I don't know why I don't do that more often.  It just puts me in a good mood!  And it never hurts to have a little more Jesus in your life! :)  We have our office Thanksgiving lunch today, and everyone is in a good mood.  So, here's to a better day. 

I can see now, each day will be a surprise and I just have to take it as it comes. 

Trying to Get This Blog In Working Order

<a href="http://www.bloglovin.com/blog/11317059/?claim=h6fnj8xuuvc">Follow my blog with Bloglovin</a>

So, I will be in the "under construction" process as I continue to post.  I just don't have time to sit down and do it all at once.  I'm always open for feedback and suggestions to make my little space on the web better.  This morning, I'm attempting to bring you some "follow this blog" options so you can stay updated with what's going on in my crazy adventure we're calling life.

Processing

I've had a few days to process things.  It's still a roller coaster though.  Some days, hours, moments are better, some are worse.  On Friday, I shared our news with my friend, Shannon and our cousin, Leaann. I let Shannon read my blog before I posted it, so she knew when she came to the house.  I had to tell Leaann.  I read, on one of the websites that I found, that people typically react to the news in the same manner that you tell them.  I try not to be upset, and overall I'm not, but it's still hard to put it into words and tell people.  Both of them responded very well and I knew they would be two of my biggest support systems that I have.

Since Thursday, I've accepted the possible diagnosis more.  There are still things that catch me off guard though.  And they sting a little.  Like Thursday afternoon, I was in the breakroom at work, and my co-worker commented that her friend was in Florida taking her child to Disney World.  Then she said, "I can't wait until Everette (her son) is old enough to go places like that and enjoy it."  And my thoughts immediately went to, "My child may never be able to fully enjoy something like that, or at least not when it's age appropriate."  Then another friend has told me all about the sports her daughter is playing.  It's the little things like this that creep up, just when you think you're okay with everything.

And like I said, overall I am okay with everything.  It's the uncertainty that is the hardest.  I've been doing my research and have come to discover that there are soooo many different types of skeletal displasia, and there's no certainty, basically until the baby is born, what exactly his diagnosis will be.  I just want him to be as healthy as possible, with as few complications as possible.  I've accepted that he may be little, and I can deal with that.  I just hope and pray (and worry) that there aren't any additional complications. 

My doctor responded to one of my questions I emailed her, and she sent me his measurement percentages from the ultrasound in October, and from the one this past week.  I know I'm not a doctor, and nothing is certain, and sometimes these things randomly change and babies are born with no issues that were suspected while in utero... but based on the measurements, I feel like we should expect some form of achondroplasia. 

Rocky is basically, I think, avoiding everything until our next appointment on the 23rd.  I feel like that is sooooo far away!  I hate having to wait that long to know something.  I printed off a booklet that I found on a great website, and it was very helpful for me.  I gave it to him, and he said, "Why are you looking at this stuff now?  We don't know anything."  He has kept himself very busy since Thursday night, and we haven't really had a chance to talk more about things.  I haven't even shared the measurements from my doctor with him yet.  I know each person handles, reacts and processes things differently.  I just wish we were at the same point in the processing as each other.  I think it might would be a little easier. 

I've also been struggling with how and when to tell our families.  I want to tell mine now, just so I can get it off my mind and they can begin the processing also.  But, a part of me doesn't want to say anything until after the next appointment, until we have a little more certainty.  Then, I struggle, because that is 2 days before Christmas, and we may not see some of them until Christmas day.  Do I want to share that news on Christmas day?

I know I've got to take it one day at a time, but sometimes that's easier said than done.  

Well, I didn't expect that

I want to be a better blogger.  At the beginning of the year, I sort of made it a resolution to blog more.  I have another blog that has been dedicated mostly to weight loss, fitness and general life stuff.  And I haven’t blogged in months.  Today, I feel like I NEED to blog.  So, I’m starting a new one for this new journey we’re on.

This one is going to be long.  I have a lot to say.

Stoic.  Calm.  Unflappable.  These are words that have been used to describe me in the past.  And if you know me, and are not a part of my immediate family (that knows which buttons to push and how), you probably think something similar.  I guess this is just my general reaction in time of “crisis.”  It usually takes a lot to push me over the edge.  These can be really good qualities, especially in work or professional situations, when something goes wrong. 

This is not how I wanted to seem when I got the news yesterday.  I feel like it makes me seem cold and emotionless, which couldn’t be any further from the truth.  It’s just my natural gut reaction.  I shut down.  I try to take everything in.  I go into a state of shock, but my exterior appearance tries to hide it. 

Yesterday was a normal day.  Well, other than I had a doctor’s appointment and was going in to work late.  23 weeks and 1 day pregnant.  I look forward to my doctor’s appointments.  And to each Wednesday.  I hit a new week mark each Wednesday.  Wednesdays keep me going, because I have something to look forward to.  Doctor’s appointments are even more exciting because I either get to hear or see that sweet baby growing in my belly.  I was excited because I got to see him again yesterday.  At our last appointment, we found out that he’s a boy!  His name will be Tristan Lewis Dix.  He was being stubborn at the last appointment and they couldn’t get all of the measurements that they needed, so they scheduled another ultrasound for yesterday.  Yay! 

Rocky has been to all of the ultrasound appointments with me so far, and he was there in the beginning when I had the bleeding issues- which was the scariest day of my life.  Since that day, everything has been fine, normal, GOOD!  He recently took a new position with his company and had a training out of town yesterday, so we decided it was okay for him to miss this appointment. 

I got to the appointment, and everything was moving smoothly.  I had a different ultrasound tech, but she was just as friendly as my regular girl, and she explained everything to me as we went along.  A good, strong heart rate of 151.  We got a few good pictures before Tristan decided to be stubborn again.  She had me roll from one side to the other to get him to try to move… and move he did.  Just in the wrong direction!  She was trying to evaluate his heart and he turned completely over so all we could see was his back!  She told me they would schedule another ultrasound for my next appointment, to look at his heart.  I didn’t really mind, because that meant I would get to see his sweet face again!  Here’s a good picture that we got yesterday. 

I went back to my doctor’s waiting room and waited for her to call me, to go over everything.  I waited for what seemed like forever.  My doctor, Tanya, is a midwife and I LOVE her.  She takes her time with every single patient and doesn’t rush anyone.  She is thorough and answers all of your questions.  I figured she must be with other patients, taking as good of care of them as she takes of me.  In the meantime, I took pictures on my phone of the ultrasound pictures that we got and sent them to Rocky, a few family members and friends, and posted them on facebook.

I was finally called back.  Tanya started reviewing everything with me.  We started looking at the ultrasound pictures and she realized that the ultrasound tech hadn’t calculated a growth percentage for him.  She said she would send it back to her to calculate, but she started to look at the different pictures to see if she could do a quick calculation herself.  We knew that he has been measuring a little small since the beginning, but I blame that in part to the “standard” dating procedure that doctors use.  They go by the first day of your last period, assuming that “typical” ovulation is on day 14.  We were trying for a baby, so I was tracking my ovulation, and I know that I ovulated on day 19.  My calculations have been more accurate with his measurements at each appointment. 

Tanya reviewed his measurements and most of them were looking pretty in line with my calculations.  Then she got to his femurs.  This is the long bone in the top of your leg.  They’re measuring behind.  10 days to 2 weeks behind.  She asked about Rocky’s height, my birth weight and his.  She moved to his arm bones.  His humerus is measuring behind too.  More so than his femurs.  She explained that with my height and Rocky’s, he could just be on the shorter side.  However, with both the femurs and the humerus measuring short, there is concern.  This is usually the first indication of achondroplasia.  Dwarfism.

Stoic.  Calm.  Unflappable.  This is when it happened.  I just sat there.  My ears heard what she just said, but my brain didn’t know what to do with it.  She went on to say that they won’t know anything for sure until the third trimester.  At the next appointment, they will do more in depth measurements in the ultrasound.  We should know that day.  She said this could affect the rest of my pregnancy management.  If he is a little person (this is what I’m choosing to call it), I won’t be able to deliver naturally and have the water birth that I’ve planned.  They won’t let me go into labor because his head will be bigger and his neck will not have the support that it needs to go through the birth canal.  We will have a c-section.  Tanya said, “This is not the news I wanted to give you today.”  That’s when the tears formed.  Only a few though.  I knew this wasn’t what I wanted to hear, but I still couldn’t process all of the implications.  I wished Rocky was there with me so badly at this point.  I held myself together, because I knew I needed to focus on what else she was telling me.  And I didn’t want to look like a basket case.  And honestly, this isn’t the worst news I could get.  I had to stay strong.

Tanya explained that she recently had a patient with a child that has achondroplasia and that if Tristan does, she will put us in contact with them.  That patient sought out a pediatrician that specialized in children with this condition.  She told me to put my pediatrician choice on hold for now.  She also told me to put my water birth and doula on hold for now.  I can’t make any decisions until after my next appointment.  The earliest she can do the next appointment is December 23.  She said she is fine waiting until after Christmas if I want to.  I told her I suck at waiting and it’s going to be hard enough to wait that long.  I’d rather know.  I’m a planner.  I hate the anxiety of not knowing.    

She told me a few other things, like Rocky and I will have to go for genetic screening if he does have it; what to research when I got on google, because she knew I would look everything up; she told me to email her with any questions that we come up with, not to sit on them and worry about it.  She hugged me when I left.  I swear, she is the best doctor ever.

I got to my car, and didn’t know what to do.  Rocky was at a training for his job.  He was out of town.  I didn’t want to give him the news over the phone.  I sent him a text and asked if he would have a chance to call me.  I didn’t hear from him, so I drove to work.  My mind was in a million other places.

I was no good at work.  I wanted to google everything I could and start my research.  But I also wanted to put it off.  I knew denial wasn’t the answer, but I wasn’t sure if I was ready to know everything yet.  I did a few things and finally found some time to start looking things up.  Most of my initial findings basically explained what achondroplasia is, what it comes from (a mutuation in a gene, that could be passed on, or could just happen sporadically), the basic things it affects.  I learned that as long as Rocky and I are not both carriers of it, then it shouldn’t be fatal.  This is where the genetic screening will come into play later.  As far as I know, neither of us have a history of it in our family, so we’re hoping for the best here. 

I found a couple of good websites that I saved.  One that I came across talked about care for a little child, and it went on into their school age years.  It talked about the accommodations that have to be made at school- he has to be able to reach toilets, sinks, paper towels, door knobs, a regular size desk may be an issue, playground equipment may be an issue.  I stopped reading.  I couldn’t take any more. 

Even though he’s not born yet, I’m a mother.  I want the best for my child.  I do not want him to suffer or face any unnecessary hardships.  I couldn’t stand to think of what he may have to deal with for the rest of his life.  I looked down and realized it was 4:00.  In a little over an hour, I would have to tell Rocky the news.  Tell him that the son that he has so longed for still may not be able to do the things that Rocky hoped to do with him.  He may never play football or basketball.  He will have a more difficult time going hunting, climbing in tree stands, carrying deer out of the field.  I closed my office door, and I lost it. 

For the next 30 minutes, the stoic, calm, unflappable person was gone.  No where to be found.  I experienced every anger, questioning, worrying, sad emotion that I can imagine.  Then I would feel like it’s going to be okay.  God wouldn’t give me anything I can’t handle.  Then I would get upset again.  It was an emotional rollercoaster.  I was still at work, so I knew I had to compose myself.  I didn’t know how to tell Rocky.  That was going to be the hardest thing of all.  I felt like I could deal with it, but I didn’t know how he would react.  Why, oh why, did I have to be the one to tell him?

On the way home, I prayed.  I thanked God for the blessing of this baby that he has given us.  I prayed for him, his life, his future struggles, whether he is little or not.  I prayed that he will always be surrounded by people that love and support him, that he will make good, Godly driven decisions in his life.  I prayed for the best life possible for him. 

For the few brief minutes that I had talked to Rocky earlier in the afternoon, I told him that we had some things to talk about from the doctor’s appointment, and maybe we could go out to dinner.  I didn’t have the energy to cook.  It was taking all that I had to function.

While I was waiting for Rocky to get home, my mind wandered more.  I had some very selfish thoughts.  I am a runner.  I may never get to really run with my son.  I may never get to watch him play football, basketball, soccer, or whatever sport of his choice.  I may have to go watch him participate in the Special Olympics, which will even be difficult for him based on his size and muscle capacity.  I don’t want him to settle for just anyone when it comes to a relationship once he is older.  I want him to have his pick of girls, and to be able to find the one that is best for him, not just one that will overlook his physical appearance.  I don’t want him to have to deal with “friends” putting unnecessary pressures on him to do stupid things just to fit in. 

I thought about a few people that I know that have children with Down’s syndrome, or other mental disorders.  I don’t wish that on anyone.  But I realized that even if Tristan is little, he will still have full mental capacities and intelligence.  He will one day realize that he is different.  And I will have to explain this to him.  And thank goodness that isn’t for years to come, because right now I have no words.  I’m sure even then, I’ll say the only thing that comes to me now, which is, “God made you this way.  He wanted you this way.  You are special and we love you, just the way you are.  I wouldn’t want you to be any different from how you are now.”  But will that be enough?  Will that help him understand and deal with it?

My selfish thoughts continued with Lora, who had her baby at 25 weeks gestation and he has spent his entire life, thus far, in the hospital.  And another friend that just had her baby last week, 4 weeks early on November 14.  He came home yesterday, 6 days later.  It has been a struggle for those babies and their families, and I cannot imagine going through what they have been through.  Then I thought about Jamie, from my online pregnancy group, and Holly, who have lost their babies.  And Holly lost three babies, all from one pregnancy.  I thought about my clients that are at Brenner’s Children’s Hospital right now with their one year old son that is battling leukemia.  I thought about their faith in God and the strength that they have displayed through everything they’ve all gone through.  And I realized how incredibly selfish my thoughts were. 

But I also realized that I am an emotional being.  Emotions are irrational.  I almost didn’t want to put into words that I had these thoughts.  But I’m being honest.  And it’s what I thought and felt.  And I can’t say that I won’t think or feel it again. 

Rocky finally got home.  I had to tell him.  He sat down on the couch beside me.  I showed him the actual pictures from the ultrasound.  I told him we had something to talk about.  I told him I didn’t know where to start- that I had been on an emotional roller coaster all day.  He took his hat off and sat it on his knee.  He knew it was serious.  I started crying before I could even tell him.  I said something along these lines, “Overall, everything is okay.  Tanya said not to worry until we have something to worry about.  But today, when they were looking at everything, they noticed his femurs and the long bones in his arms are measuring short.  This is an early indication of achondroplasia, also known as dwarfism.  We won’t know until the next ultrasound, which is December 23, but he may be a little person.”  He said, “A midget?”  I nodded my head yes.  He rolled his eyes. 

What did that even mean?!?  An eye roll?  One of my biggest fears of telling him was happening!  I’m a caretaker by nature.  He didn’t respond.  How can I comfort him or offer support if he doesn’t share his thoughts and feelings with me?  What am I supposed to do about an eye roll?  If anything, all I could have said would have been, “Why did you roll your eyes?”  To which he could have easily responded, “Why are you crying?”  It was just our reactions.  After a few minutes he did tell me to not be upset.  That there’s nothing we can do about it, and nothing we should be upset about.  I told him that if he is little, it’s what God wanted, and that God won’t give us anything we can’t handle.  He told me again not to cry about it.  I told him that I’m not really upset, that we will deal with it- it’s just not what I expected for our son.  He told me that a year or so ago, after a conversation with a very wise co-worker, he decided that there is no need in getting upset when things happen in life.  We can’t change them.  When people die, we can’t prevent that.  This is no different. 

I hope those are his true feelings.  Deep down, I have a fear that if Tristan is little, it could make Rocky love him less.  I’m hoping this is just another irrational feeling. 

My thoughts and feelings have been all over the place.  I’m still trying to process everything.   I don’t know when it will all really sink in.  Of all of the things a new mother worries about, has tests done to check for things, this is nothing that I ever, ever expected.  It never crossed my mind that we would have a little child.  I didn’t know it was possible.  It has been so much to take in.  And I’m not ready to tell friends, family and the world yet.  We don’t even have a definite diagnosis yet.  So, on the outside, I have to remain stoic, calm and unflappable.