Letting Go Of Perfect

I have so many other blog posts I've been wanting to write and haven't had (or taken) the time to write them. This started out as a post in my mommy group, but my words kept coming so I decided to blog. 

We decided to take a mini vacation to the lake with some friends for the long weekend. We're going to the beach in a few weeks, but found a way to do this too. We thought we needed it. We could use a break. Life has been crazy lately. In the last 6 months, we had a baby, I changed jobs, Rocky changed jobs once and is about to start his second new job. All with our first baby, trying to figure out this crazy thing called parenthood.

I have a need to do certain things "the right way." Almost an OCD strive for perfection. Parenting is one of those things. Now, there are so many other things that I'm so far from perfect on. But with parenting, I'm in charge of another life. Tristan has to grow into a smart, caring, mature, responsible, independent, overall good adult. And those teachings fall on me. That can put a lot of pressure on a girl! 

So, this weekend I decided I was going to let a little bit of that go. I'm just going to have a good time. Rocky doesn't worry about things like I do, and he seems to be much less stressed than I usually am. 

One example of this is we forgot the stroller and the baby carrier at home. At first I freaked out, but then decided to let it go, and go with the flow. It's not the end of the world and we will still have a great time. We'll figure something out and make it work. 

Then I started wondering where all of this pressure and stress come from. Why do I feel like I have to be perfect as a mother and that mistakes aren't  allowed? I realized it comes from society and from other moms! 

My friend that we are camping with has 2 kids- a four year old daughter and a 1 year old son. They recently moved to our area, but they've been to stay at our house several times. During one of their stays, she told me how she's a clean freak, that she keeps her house so clean and organized and that she's always doing something at the house to keep it clean. 

She told me that her kids sleep in their own beds and that her one year old has never been in the bed with her. They both sleep through the night and have since a very young age. 

Just last night she asked if I ever considered putting cereal in Tristan's bottle. I told her the pediatrician told us not to put it in his bottle, but to give it to him in a bowl. She said, "yeah, they told us that too, but it would really help him sleep through the night." I haven't complained about him not sleeping so I don't know why this "advice" was offered. 

We went to their house on Monday, and yes, I realize they are still unpacking some things from the move and that they have 2 small children, but let me tell you, everything did not have a place and it was not spotless like I had anticipated. 

And yes, Tristan woke up a few times last night as he laid beside me in the bed and I nursed him back to sleep each time, but her son screamed and cried for almost 2 hours in the middle of the night. 

So, this morning, I woke up with a new outlook on things. Those people that "seem" to be perfect or portray that they're doing a better job than you are, yeah, they're not. Here's my "I'm not a "perfect" parent in your eyes" statement: My house is a mess 90% of the time. My bathroom is almost always in need of a good cleaning. Unopened mail remains unopened and cluttered on my counter tops, on my table and in my car. Tristan sleeps in the bed with us and I don't know when I will transition him to his crib. He's 6.5 months old and I haven't started solid foods with him yet. I breast feed him and sometimes I have to do it in public places. There have been many times that I have sat and held my baby when I could have been doing something else, and I'm sure there will be many more. I'm not perfect by any means, but my child is loved, he is happy, and it works for us. 

The Family Bed

People have very strong opinions on the “family bed” where parents allow children into their beds.  We did too.

Before we had Tristan, Rocky and I had discussed his sleeping arrangements.  He would not sleep in the bed with us.  We have a rock n’ play to use as a bassinet for the beginning, we have a pack n play to transition him to once he’s a little bigger, then by 6 months we planned to have him in his crib.  His room is on the other side of the house, and for the first few months, we wanted him in the room with us so that we could get to him quickly if we needed to.  Also, until he started sleeping through the night, I didn't want to be stumbling across the house to get to him to feed him.

We finally brought him home after 23 long days in the nicu.  The rock n play was ready, and so were we.  The first night came and it was bed time.  I swaddled him, put him in the rock n play and turned it on.  And he went to sleep!  For about 30 minutes. 

I rocked the rock n play, I held him, I fed him, and put him back in the rock n play, but he wasn't having it.  Finally, somewhere in the wee hours of the night, I fell asleep with him in my arms, my arms propped up and surrounded by pillows.  Night 2- Repeat.  Somewhere around night 3 or 4, I realized this: Sleep is important!  Mama is not happy and cannot function when she doesn’t get any sleep.  So, I talked to Rocky and we agreed to put him in our bed at the beginning of the night. 

Let me pause to say this: We understand the risk of SIDS.  We use every precaution that we can to make sure he is safe.  We use the Snuza Oma+ monitor, which we love.  If Rocky could recommend any one thing to new parents, this would be it.  But sleep is important for Tristan too.  He has to sleep in order to grow and thrive.  And this is the only way we could make it work.

The first few nights, we propped Tristan up on the boppy, but I didn't feel safe with it, because he would wiggle all around on it.  Then, we used his concave changing pad in our bed for a while, because we knew he wouldn’t roll out of it and it would keep us from rolling on him.  Now, he’s big enough that he just snuggles up next to me.  And all 3 of us get sleep. 

Some people say, “You do what works.”  Right now, I enjoy having Tristan in our bed.  I’m away from him 12 hours each day, and the other 12 are taken up with dinner, baths and bed time.  I enjoy snuggling with him, even if he is sleeping. 

The societal “norm” makes me feel like we’re doing a bad thing.  People say, “You’ll never get him out of your bed now.”  But there are other cultures that have family beds for many years after the children are born.  I slept with my parents, my brother did, and Rocky slept with his parents.  We are all fine, functioning adults that no longer sleep with our parents.  I’m sure I won’t have to go to college with him and sleep in his bed.  I hate that no matter what decision you make, people are bound to pass judgment. 

I don’t know at what point we will transition Tristan out of our bed, and I know we will have to at some time, but right now, we do what works!  I enjoy my snuggles, and hey, sleep is important!

Baby I'm Amazed By You

My child is awesome.  I mean, really!  He just is!  He’s growing, changing and developing so much!  And so quickly!  Everyone told me it would be fast, but I didn’t realize HOW fast!  Tristan can already hold his head up, unsupported for a good amount of time, we’re working on sitting, and the other day he rolled over for the first time! 

He’s overall a very happy baby and I love to see him smile and hear him coo.   Watching each new change and development is so fun and I’m just in awe when he does something new.  I can’t believe he will be 4 months old soon!

But that’s not all that amazes me.  The fact that he is mine amazes me.  I just look at him some times and it’s hard to believe that this is my child.  MINE.  I mean, I’m very well aware that I take care of him and that he’s in my possession.  And I love him like nothing else in this world.  I can’t even explain the love and emotions I feel for him.  But sometimes, it’s hard for me to grasp that he’s really mine.  I don’t know if it’s because I had a c-section and didn’t actually labor and physically have him, or if it’s because he spent time in the NICU, or if it’s just a general new mama feeling.  My heart knows it, but it feels like my brain hasn’t caught up yet.  Maybe it’s like a lot of things in life- you anticipate one thing, but when you’re actually in the moment, it doesn’t feel like you expected, because you didn’t really know WHAT to expect. 

I’ll be glad when the feeling sets in that he’s mine, forever, not going anywhere, and nothing can change that.  By then, he’ll probably be 18 and leaving for college!

My Mommy Products

Okay, so they're not really mommy products, but here's my beauty products that I use.  Especially now that I'm a new mommy, it has to be quick and easy.  Keep in mind, this is coming from a rural country girl that does not like to spend a lot of money on cosmetics, that lives in an area where most people say, "What's Ulta?"

I've found a few products that I get, usually at WalMart, at a cheap price, that have become staples in my makeup bag.  The prices I'm listing are approximate.

On super busy days, when I need something to put on my face so that I don't look like I've died, I use numbers 1-4:

 1- Loreal BB Cream in medium-  $8
2- Covergirl Intense Shadow Blast- $8 and I've had it so long I've worn the writing off, so I'm not sure the color.  I've had it for almost a year, and have used it literally almost every single day, and it's still going.  It is creamy and works great as a primer with other colors, or by itself as a shadow.
3- Rimmel eye liner- $5 I think the color is called dark brown.  It's the one that has the foam tip at the other end so you can smudge it if you want to.
4- Loreal Voluminous Butterfly Mascara- $8... because I'm a sucker for good marketing, haha!  I'm not married to this one, but I like it just as well as others I've used before. 

When I want to actually look like I put effort into my appearance and have a few more minutes, I use all of them.  But in total, it takes me about 10 minutes to do my full face.  Here's the rest of my products:

5- Neutrogena Shine Control Primer- $12... because I'm OILY!  This is one of the only things that has helped control my shine.  I love it!!!
6- Neutrogena Shine Control Powder (invisible)- $12.  I use this after my BB cream for the finished makeup look.  I do try to buy my neutrogena products from Ulta when they have them Buy One Get One Half Off, and I use the coupon on the monthly magazine that I get in the mail.  If they don't have them in stock at Ulta, ask for a rain check for the sale.
7- NYC Classic Brow Liner Pencil in dark brown- $1.  Do your eyebrows.  It makes a huge difference in defining your face.  My brows are thick, but stop before they should.
8- Eyeshadow- Okay, I have no clue what kind of shadow this is or where I got it.  I like a pallette that has a good neutral color and a good brown/gray color.  I like to have them in one compact/ container- gotta keep it quick and easy!
9-  Revlon Cream Blush- $9 I've used Rosy Glow (not much color, just a little extra) and Berry Flirtatious.  I like the cream because I don't have to pull out a separate brush, I just use my fingers.

My quick application looks like this: (with my hands) primer, bb cream, powder (with the sponge in the compact), blush.  Wash hands.  Eye brow pencil, cream shadow (with applicator in tube), eye liner, neutral and dark shadows with a shadow brush, mascara.

10 minutes.  Here's what you get.

Where I'm Buying Diapers This Week

I posted last week about the diaper deals that I had found and got good response.  I'll try to make it a point to update on here whenever I find a good deal. 

Here's what I just bought.  4 packs of Luvs diapers for $6.25 eoach.  And here's how:
Dollar General has Luvs for $7.50 each.  Through tomorrow, they have a promotion for Proctor and Gamble products, where you spend $20 and get a $5 savings on your next trip.  Buy 3 packs in one transaction and get your $5 coupon, then buy another pack with the coupon. 

Most store brands typically run $6 for the same size pack, so I don't mind spending a quarter more for the brands that we really like.

You can do the same deal with pampers if you have enough $1.50 coupons for each pack that you get.  They are regularly $9 at Dollar General, and the coupon makes them $7.50, just like the regular price for the Luvs.  Dollar General (as best as I can tell) does not carry size 1 or 2 in Pampers.  Get your $1.50 coupon at pampers.com.  Once you print the current one, it will not let you reprint from the same account.  They typically overlap each other though, so I have some from the last offer that are still good through the end of May, then was able to print some from the new offer.  Or you can have someone else get an account (wink wink) and print theirs and give them to you. 

I'd love to hear of your great diaper deals!

Societal Misconceptions

This is my 5th post in 8 weeks, since Tristan was born.  I've written so many entries in my head but just haven't had the time to sit down and type them out.  As a matter of fact, I'm risking losing a nap opportunity to write this one.  A nap is a luxury, you say?  Why yes, yes it is... especially to a mom that went to bed at 11:00, woke up at 2:30, 5:00 and 7:00 before finally getting up for the day at 9:30.

But that leads me to what's been heavily on my mind today- what society expects of new moms.  And it makes me angry!

1-  Openly welcome all visitors that want to come into your home with a warm smile and allow them to stay as long as possible.  Never mind the fact that you have to feed the baby, may be breast feeding and may be modest and don't want your boobs exposed to the entire free world.  Never mind the fact that you may have to pump, which takes 30 minutes each time.  Never mind that the baby eats every 2 hours or so.  Never mind the fact that the baby may be sleeping.  Never mind the fact that you'd probably rather be sleeping!  What do you mean, you have other things to do?!  You should sit around and entertain these people that obviously have nothing better to do with their time than to sit at your house for hours on end!

2- Maintain a clean house.  When are you supposed to get the house cleaned?  Surely not while you're entertaining the visitors mentioned above.  Or not when you're feeding the baby.  Or not when you're pumping.  Perhaps while everyone else is sleeping at night.  But don't vacuum then, it will wake them up!

3- Send cheerful thank you notes to everyone that came to the shower or did something nice for you.  Nope, saying thank you isn't enough these days.  Sending a personal text or phone call isn't either.  You have to actually sit down and write out a card and mail it.  Oh, it will take all of the money you got from the shower to cover the postage to send all of them?  No big deal.  It's not like you had anything else you needed that money for.  It doesn't matter how long you or your child spent in the hospital, or how long it took you to recover, or that you're not settled into a routine from the biggest life changing even you've ever gone through.  Thank you cards are a must!  How else will people know that you're appreciative?  Even though they know you well enough to get you a gift or to perform an act of kindness, they don't know you well enough to know that you appreciate it without you sending them a card!

4- Personally call each and every family member that may have an interest in you or the baby at least every other day and update them on the status of everyone.  Typing periodic updates with one hand on your phone at 2 am while you pump and rock a baby to sleep is not sufficient!  They need to hear from you!  They need to hear your voice!  And don't try to tell them that you didn't have an extra hand to answer the phone when they called you!  That's just rude!

5- Send pictures or cute birth announcements to everyone that you know.  What do you mean, you haven't had time to create birth announcements?  You haven't printed any pictures for yourself yet?  Well what in the world have you been doing with all of your time?  Get on that right now!!  And no, going on facebook to get which pictures they like and print them themselves IS NOT an acceptable option.  Get them their pictures!!!

6- Get back to your pre-pregnancy weight and body quickly.  How, you ask?  Well how not... when do you possibly have time to eat while doing all of the above?  There's your answer- just don't eat!  You'll surely lose the baby weight when you skip meals!  Oh, but wait... you've got to eat enough to keep your milk supply up.  Okay, only eat at 3 am after you have fed and rocked the baby to sleep, pumped and vacuumed the floor.  Sleep for yourself is overrated anyway!

7- Happily go back to work 6-8 weeks after you had the baby.  What do you mean you're not in a routine yet?  What have you been doing with all of your time?  What do you mean your baby isn't ready yet?  They don't need their moms 24/7- how else will they learn to be independent?  And surely after all of this time sitting at home with the baby, with nothing to do, you're ready to get back to work!  You can't possibly want to spend more time with someone that can't even engage in a conversation with you!

Okay, so this post is a little facetious, but I just don't understand why these expectations are put on new moms.  I have felt like I've been held to each of these unrealistic expectations.  And I blame society.  I don't understand how people, especially people with children or grandchildren, can expect these things of a new mother.

So, what HAVE I been doing with all of this "free" time that I've had?  Let's see...

Today was the second time I've swept the floors since we brought Tristan home from the hospital.  At first I was embarrassed to write that in a blog... but then I thought, that's a huge accomplishment!  I need to tell the world!!!

I have went on 2 walks and worked out once!  I consider those huge accomplishments!

Rocky is working full time and still participating in his hobbies.

None of us have gone hungry.

None of us have worn dirty clothes or eaten off of dirty dishes.

We all bathe at least a few times a week.  Woo hoo!  That's a bonus!  Haha!

We have gone to multiple doctor's appointments.

We have had lots of visitors.

I've even eaten lunch out 3 times and dinner out once!  Score for me, no dirty dishes to clean!

I've held and rocked and loved a new baby.  I've sang and read to Tristan.  I've laid on the floor with him while he's done tummy time.  I've comforted him when his belly was hurting because of gas.  I've changed diapers, washed and made bottles.  I've administered medicines.  I spent 23 days going to the hospital every day to be by his side.  I've bought groceries.  I've even bought myself a few shirts because nothing fit this new post pregnant body that I'm sporting these days.

I just hate that these "expectations" put on us usually come from others that have been in our shoes before.  They should understand.  They should encourage you to do the important things for your child, instead of focusing on the nonsense that they make so "important."  Well, I've decided, I'm not giving in to these expectations.  If something is important to me, I will make it happen.  But not because other people say that I should.

I choose to focus my time and energy on my family and myself.  I'll never get these times back or a chance to re-do them.  I'm picking what's important to ME!  And here's a glimpse of it:

Life at Home

It is hard to believe that we have had Tristan at home for a little over a week.  It's even harder to believe that he's over 4 weeks old!  His due date is Wednesday!  It's hard to believe he's here already!   And it's hard to believe that it's been almost a month since I blogged! 

It has been wonderful having Tristan at home.  I don't sleep much, but that isn't his fault.  I know they say new mommies don't get any sleep, but it's particularly hard when you have to wake up to feed the baby, then spend about an extra 45 minutes to an hour to pump also.  Thank goodness for the weekends, because Rocky is a HUGE help!  He usually gets up with him in the mornings and lets me sleep in some. 

The other reason that I haven't been sleeping much is because when we left the hospital, they sent us home with Similac Neosure to add to my breast milk for extra calories.  With Tristan being a preemie, he burns so many calories eating, being awake, just living... that he needs extra.  When he was in the NICU, they had him on what they called Human Milk Fortifier, so the Similac was new.  And it did not agree with his tummy.  He has been having terrible gas pains and uncomfortableness all week.  Rocky and I finally decided to take him off of it on Wednesday.  It can take up to a week for it to get out of his system.  At his weight check today, he's up to 5 pounds 13 ounces, but he isn't gaining as much as they would like as quickly as they would like, so they gave us Gerber Good Start Gentle Ease to try.  It should be better for his belly. 

I hate that he isn't gaining weight like he should though.  It makes me feel like I'm doing something wrong.  But motherhood has been like that so far!  I've been around kids pretty much all of my life, and thought I knew enough to raise one!  Now I question and second guess everything that I do, because I want to do the best for Tristan.  People say to follow your instincts, but sometimes I feel like they're still developing!  I know that Tristan is properly cared for, fed, clothed, in a good home and loved more than words can say... but as a mom, I still feel like I need to do more for him.  I guess that feeling will never go away either!

I had a doctor's appointment on Wednesday.  We should know when my labs come back if my liver is back to normal yet or not.  My blood pressure is finally under control and I can come off of that medicine!  Praise the lord!  I was discussing my breast milk supply with Tanya and she said something that really clicked with me.  She said, "Don't watch a clock, watch your baby."  She told me to feed Tristan, and then pump, that way my body gets on his schedule.  Not to worry about pumping every 3 hours, or for 30 minutes each time.  She said to pump until my boobs feel soft, and just follow his cues.  Her saying this has taken so much pressure off of me.  I've actually started applying it to a lot of stuff related to being a new mom. 

I have the Ibabylog app on my phone, and it has been very resourceful.  Especially when we roomed in before we brought Tristan home from the NICU.  They wanted to know every time he ate, for how long, how much he took; every time he had a diaper change, if it was wet, dirty or both; etc. This was a super easy way to track everything.  But I became obsessed with it.  I've decided to use it as a guide, but not to freak out if I miss tracking a diaper change, or a feed.  As long as I KNOW that my child is dry, not hungry and that I've pumped, I'm not stressing about what the app says.  I'll still use it, but just as a guide and mainly to track my pumping and what time he eats. 

Speaking of pumping... I'm now concerned about hyper-lactation.  I have a friend that had her baby in December and he spent 2 weeks in the NICU.  She pumped every 3 hours, for 30 minutes each time, like the lactation consultants in the hospital told her to.  And she now has too much supply and her son doesn't get to the hind milk, so she's forced to exclusively pump.  I started looking at my numbers, and I was pumping 30-35 ounces a day, when Tristan eats about 12.  I'm trying to get it more regulated to his actual needs, so that I don't have this problem too.  It's still a work in progress. 

I still stress about going back to work.  Not only is it regular new mommy things, but work has been.... less than nice about things.  Okay, they've been jerks.  The guy I work for is a habitual liar, outside of all pregnancy stuff.  He told everyone in the office that he was getting me flowers and coming to visit me in the hospital.  I never got any flowers nor did he visit.  I sent everyone in the office a message after I had Tristan.  He wrote back about 2 or 3 days later.  Our office manager has yet to say anything.  I stopped by the office today after Tristan's doctor appointment and realized that they have taken my name off of our board that we use to check in and out of the office.  And on top of everything else, one week after I had Tristan, I got a call from a woman in Human Resources at Home Office, questioning me, because someone informed them that I had been working else where while I have been out on leave.  I was so flustered, that we were halfway through the conversation before I said, "The only WORK I'm doing is trying to recover from an emergency c-section and trying to get my son healthy so he can come home from the NICU!  So no, I'm not working anywhere!  I've had a very rough pregnancy and a traumatic birth experience!"  She was shocked that I had the baby already!  No one had informed them of that.  I believe it was the guy that I work for, looking for a way to get rid of me, so he can hire another assistant instead of waiting for me to come back.  Rocky's work has been about just as compassionate as mine has been.  He didn't even get to come to the hospital to bring Tristan home.  I had to do that by myself.  It makes me very upset that our society in general doesn't support parents having more time with new babies, and especially that they don't understand the extra needs and challenges of preemies and NICU babies.

But we are dealing with things as they come.  I'm trying not to stress about work, and am just going to deal with that when I have to, and right now, all I have to do is take care of and love on my sweet boy!  We are sooo thankful to have him at home with us now!  Thank you to everyone that has prayed for us along this journey!  Please continue to remember us in your prayers as we help Tristan grow and stay healthy.  He's still got a lot of doctor's appointments and a small surgery in his future, but for now, all is well!